I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Golfer in locker room on a dare, dashes through the lounge buck naked except for bag over his head.
Wife one looks up and says "Thank God, that's not my husband."
Wife two says, "No, it certainly isn't."
Wife three says, "He's not even a member of the club."

Its Saturday night and Doris and Daphne are a pair of bored 75 year olds in the womans ward of a geriatric hospital.
"What shall we do Doris?" said Daphne.
"Me?" said Doris "I'm would like to streak, well perhaps amble quickly, naked, through the old mens ward opposite".
"Go on then, I dare you".

Old George and ancient Tom are in bed in the mens ward when Doris streaks through and returns, naked as the day that she was born.
"Gawd, Tom, what the hell was that?"
"Dunno, George, but no matter what it was, it sure did need ironing"

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said,"Grab for my Winky and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

A man went into a cafe. the waitress asked him what he wanted. "A quickie," the man replied. The waitress gave him a dirty look and asked him again. "I want a quickie," the man repeated. The waitress slapped his face and ordered him out. As he was leaving another diner said to him, "I think it`s pronounced quiche."

T here are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

A n elderly couple were driving cross country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol for doing 85 in 55. He said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and goes "What did he say?" The old man yells "He says you were speeding." The patrolman says "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and goes "What did he say?" The old man yells "He wants to see your license." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says "I see you are from Arkansas, spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a women I had ever had." The women turns to her husband and goes "what did he say?"

The old man yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the feotal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked. "Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

F or decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to lifefor thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Lets do it again, only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman at the end.He walks up and says "Can I buy you a drink?" She smiles and says politely "No thank you. I am a Lesbian." He has never heard the word before and asks what it means. She says "See that other woman at the other end of the bar? I would love to throw her up on the bar and make mad passionate love to her." When the man starts to cry like a baby the woman asks him why he is crying to which he replies. "I think I am a Lesbian also!"

A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked what he could do for them. The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $16.00This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would have an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house; I'm married so we can't do it at my house. Holiday Inn charges $50.00, Hilton gets $42.00; so we do it here for $16.00, and I get back $12.00 from medicare for a visit to the doctor!"

Two dogs at the Vets, one a Jack Russell and one a Great Dane.
Great Dane to the Jack Russell "What are you here for?"
Jack Russell "Oh I'm going to be put down."
Great Dane "Thats a bit rough isn't it."
Jack Russell "Well it's my own fault, the master did warn me, that I would be put down if I bit anyone else, and today I nearly tore the leg off the postman. But tell me what are you in here for?"
Great Dane "Do you see my Mistress? Tall and willowy? well she will walk around the house naked and earlier today she was bent over putting the plug in the bath and I could not resist making love to her."
Jack Russell "So you are going to be put down as well are you?"
Great Dane "Oh! no, I'm here to have my nails trimmed."

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother ..where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so." That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know".
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "Say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.

And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best yet!!!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together. The woman cocked her ear "Quick, it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you."she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But....but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "Those little bastards sure do work quick.!"

Everyone will remember Neil Armstrong's famous : "... and a giant step for mankind." upon setting foot on the moon in 1969.
After a while of trotting around the moonscape, he came up with another saying : "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".
After he returned to earth he was asked what he meant with this "Good luck Mr. Gorsky". He never answered the question until recently, when a tenacious reporter once again asked: What did you mean with : "Good luck Mr. Gorsky", can you tell us ?
Astronaut Armstrong replied : Now that the people implicated have departed us, I can finally answer that question.
And he went on : "When I was about 10 years old, in Akron Ohio, we were playing ball in our yard at home. My older brother hit the ball over our neighbour's fence into their yard and I was sent to get it back.
As I leaned to get it, under a partially opened window, I overheard a grown-up female voice saying : "Oral sex, you say, Mr Gorsky, you'll get ORAL sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

I don't know what made me remember that on the moon but I just had to wish :

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor says the fee for the is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects,says, "Well then, let it read, "Fred Brown died."
Editor says, wryly. "You're wasting money. There's a 7 word minimum. You're entitled to four more words.

"Okay," she says, "let it read:"Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times aweek and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A 70 year old wife calls down to her 80 year old husband. "Come on upstairs, and make love to me!"
To which he replies, "Oh Honey. You know I can't do both!"

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog.
The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an on coming car.
The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a doggie treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says,"That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turns to the visitor and says, "No, I'm gonna kick the dog's ass -- I'm just trying to find out which end is which."

Have you seen the "Mörder Güss Reim" - a collection of rhymes that look like German, and use real German words, but come out in English when read aloud?

e.g.

Once upon a time (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix.Now Polly Nomial was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way amongst the complex elements.Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.

Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directorix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted apparently alone in a non-Euclidean space.She was being watched, however, by that smooth operator, Curly Pi, who was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.

She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was set for no good.
"Arcsinh!" she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have; I can see that your angles have lots of secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "Your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "Perhaps he's not normal, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on?"
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I am absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly Pi. Let's go off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began soothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly! The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity to be multiply c onnected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied his hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piece-wise continuous but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to the hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove poor Polly to seek analysis.

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask:

"How do you make it last an hour?"

Bumper Stickers

• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Horn broken. Watch for finger.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
• Real women don't have hot flushes, they have power surges.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
• All generalizations are false.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• I brake for no apparent reason.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth-control.
• I'm not as you think as you drunk I am.
• Forget about world peace...think about using your turn indicator.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• I love cats ...they taste just like chicken.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Forget the Jone's, I keep up with the Simpson's.
• Born free...Taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you are an idiot.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the Tax Man
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
• Don't tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
• Tax Man: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• i souport publik edekashun.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those you can't.
• Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

A thrice-married young woman quite normally longs for all-around good guy husband. The first beat her badly, the second disappeared with some nymphette, the third just had no interest in anything physical.

She places an ad:"Wanted: Husband, permanent, sensuous, nonviolent."

The doorbell rings. Before her is balanced a quadruple amputee. "I'm answering your ad. Wow, what a great surprise, you're really good-looking!"

When she can get her breath, she mumbles, "Well, I can see that you won't beat me up, and you might even love me and stay with me, but ... but what about ... the other stuff?"

Broad smile. "Well, I managed to ring the doorbell, didn't I?!"

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.

It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.

Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.

So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Four men were returning by plane from a secret mission, when the plane developed engine trouble and had to crash land.

Since it was over the jungle, the pilot gave orders to bail out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes.

The pilot said, "I'll have to have one since our country needs pilots!"So he grabbed one and jumped.

The next man said, "I'll have one cause I'm the smartest man in the world," so he grabbed one and jumped.

That left one man and an old priest. The old priest said, "Son, I'm old and have lived my life already. You take the last chute."

"We've got two chutes here Father," said the man. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack on!"

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed.

December 14th
My Dearest John
I went to the door today and the Postman had for me a partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you for the wonderful thought.
With deep love and affection always.
Your loving Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John
Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift - Two Turtle Doves.
I am delighted, they are adorable.
All my love,
Yours Agnes

December 16th
Dear John
Oh, how extravagant you really are.
I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity.
Three French Hens! I insist you are too kind.
Love Agnes

December 17th
Dear John
Yet another present, this time Four Calling Birds.
You really are spoiling me.
Love Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John
What a surprise, today the Postman brought me Five Rings, one for every Finger.
You really are impossible, but I love you.
Frankly all those birds were beginning to get on my nerves with their constant squawking.
Your ever loving Agnes

December 19th
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great Geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. So we're back with the birds again. Where on earth do you suppose I can keep them all: The neighbours say they can smell them and I can't sleep for the noise. Please stop.
Cordially Agnes

December 20th
John
What is it with these sodding Birds? Now I get Swans a-swimming. Is this some sort of goddam joke or what? The house is full of bird shit and the racket. I'm becoming a nervous wreck. So it's not funny, stop sending bloody birds.
Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds.
What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids-a-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds, now I have eight Cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night.
Lay off Smartarse.
Agnes

December 22nd
Dear Shithead
What are you? Some kind of nut?
Now I have Nine Pipers playing and Christ do they play.
When they aren't playing their sodding pipes they're chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
You'll get yours. Agnes

December 23rd
You Rotten Bastard!
Now we have ten Ladies dancing.
How on earth anyone can call these whores 'Ladies' is beyond me.
They are balling the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea.
My living room is a river of shit and the Landlords have just declared the building unfit. Piss off!
Agnes

December 24th
Listen Twohead
With eleven Lords a-leaping all over the maids, the Ladies and me may never walk again.
The pipers are fighting the Lords for the crumpet and are committing buggery with the cows.
All the birds are dead and rotting amongst the cow shit after being trampled during the orgy, but not before they had eaten my gold rings.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious shithouse.
Your sworn enemy
Agnes

Grabbit and Runn
Solicitors
25th December
Dear Sir
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th, of Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling with themselves.
We understand this is merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our client, Miss Agnes Fullbody who is at present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home.
We are under instructions to charges you with the destruction of our client's home, sanitation and gentalis.
You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss Fullbody who has given the Nursing Home staff instructions to shoot you on sight.
A warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served after you receive this letter.
Yours faithfully

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked,

"Was that one word or two?"

A bright young girl shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer. The priest asked what that meant.

She said she it would be easier to show him and stepping out of the confessional she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.

As they witnessed her acrobatics with wide eyes, one said to the other:

"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Adam got lonely. So he says to God, he says, 'How's about some company?' 'Right,' says God, 'I can rustle up this woman...'

'Wossat?'

'Well, she'll cook your food, rub your back, go like a rabbit in bed and never answer back. Be kind, pleasant, thoughtful, never nag or bitch, never backbite, she'll support and encourage you through life's woes and applaud your victories.'

'You're on.'

'Cost you though. Right leg, left arm, one testicle. I need the material you see.'

Long pause

'Well.... Bit much, that. What could you do for, say, a rib?'

'Last of the big spenders eh?, well for that you get.......'

And the rest, as they say, is history.

A Bishop walking down the road saw a boy with a loaf of bread in one hand and he had the other hand in his pocket. The Bishop greeted the youth with "I see that you have the Staff of Life in your hand, my son. Tell me, what have you got in your other hand?" The young man replied "A loaf of bread Sir"

And Finally.......... Here is a Grace to say as you enter a pub.

"Bye! Danny"